This issue’s column marks the end of our third full year of publication. Within the pages of past issues, we’ve covered the naming traditions of many ethnicities. We’ve been around the globe:  Vietnam, Iran, Mexico, South America, India, Pakistan, Cambodia, Russia, the Philippines, Korea, Ghana and more. One country, awash with fraud, has never yet made it into our column. This particular country is probably responsible for a higher ratio of fraud per capita than any other nation in the world. In honor of our own home (and in honor of April 1), we’re gonna visit the good ole’ USA. And while our intent is to poke fun at as many folks as possible (equal opportunity abuse, we call it), limitations in the amount of available space dictate that some areas may be omitted. Maybe (if too many subscribers don’t turn purple and cancel their subscriptions over this little literary foray) we’ll visit some more areas of the USA on next April 1.

Let’s start on the eastern shore, near where the Pilgrims landed centuries ago. We begin by teaching you to speak Bostonian, a language quite apart from the Queen’s English. Current terminology refers to this language as Yankonics and beginners are urged to insert small objects tightly into each of their nostrils before they attempt to speak.

Names frequently have a number after them, connoting how many ancestors of the individual were so named. For instance, Paul Revere XXIV or Arlington Heathcliff Steele XVIII. It is common for first names to be doubled when affectionately speaking (i.e. Paulpaul, Arar or Johnjohn). This particular nuance is seen most often in posh country club settings or in the fraternity houses adjacent to certain campuses. Big on nicknames, Bostonians like to play around with the last name to derive a cutesy nickname. Pinkerton, for instance, may become Pinkers.

Industry professionals who must conduct phone or personal interviews with individuals speaking Bostonian are well advised to study the following guide to pronunciation before beginning.

Pahty - The act of socializing.

AhLetter between “Q” and “S.”

AhntSistah of your fathah or muthah.

BahServes beah and hahd likkah.

BayahFerrocious brown or black animal.

BeahMalt beverage.

BahnAs in “What yeah were you bahn in?”

BzahStrange, odd.

CahnVeggie that comes on a cob.

ConnahWhere streets intersect.

FahNot neah heah.

FahkWhat you eat pahster with.

FiahBlaze.

HahfahstDone without regard to detail.

HeahDone with the eahs.

KhakisUsed to staht the cah.

OwahSixty minutes.

ShuahOf course.

ShotNot tall.

WottahH2O.

Traveling a bit south, we encounter New York City. The five boroughs that make up this great metropolis are Manhattan, the Bronx, Queens, Staten Island and Brooklyn. Each has its own distinct dialect. Complicating matters is the fact that this area is a haven for refugee populations:  Russians, Irish, Italians, Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, Cubans and more. It is important to understand that a Puerto Rican immigrant who has settled in Brooklyn speaks a different language than another who has settled in Queens.

The second most common word spoken in New York is “Taxi. “The most common exclamation is “effenaye. “

Names:  Killer, Chico, Tony, Joey, Tyrone, Guido, Yooze (as in “What are yooze doin’?”) and Yo.

Some commonly used phrases and their English translations:

Toidytoid – Thirty-third.

Use Guys - You guys.

Tuhk ah Wuhk - To take a walk.

Joyzee - The light at the end of the tunnel.

Sawce - The red stuff put on Spaghetti six nights a week.

Blehck - The main color of clothing worn.

Theeuhtuh - Broadway.

East Rivuh - Burial ground for mobsters and Mazdas.

Myyemee - Hereafter life for retiring New Yorkers.

Lawft - Unwalled living quarters.

Aht - Drawing by famous artist.

Pitcher - Aht hung on a wall.

Glehsus - Worn to improve vision or used to drink from.

Muhthuh, fahthuh, brudduh, sistuh - members of your immediate family.

Note: The letter “R” at the end of a word does not exist.  Thus Daughter is Dawtuh; Mother is Muhthuh; car is cah, etc.

Moving a little further south, one will hit Philadelphia and an entirely different dialect. Men in this area are named Johnny, Jimmy, Joey and Tony. Woman are named Yo, Lady or Babe.

Some recognizable words are:

Ack a mee - Acme, a local supermarket.

Addytood - attitude.

Bin dare - I’ve been there.

Dah Iggles - Philadelphia Eagles.

Fluffya - Philadelphia.

Goddago - I have to go.

Guh Head - Yes, you may do that.

Jeet yet - Did you eat yet? 

Niceta Meechas - Nice to meet you.

Siddy Haw - City Hall.

Skowne On? - What’s going on? 

Sow Fluffya - South Philadelphia Wah? Excuse me. What’d you say?

Whachoolookinat  - What are you looking at?

Yo Supp - Hello, what’s going on? 

Yunner stan? - Do you understand? 

Yuze - you people.

Now let’s hop on over to Appalachia. West Virginie, Kentucky, Tennessee, that there area. There are only a few first names, but many, many middle names. First names for women are:  Aint, Sister, Kuzin, Granmaw, Friend, Miss, Miz, Old, Young or Neighbor. First names for men are:  Uncle, Brother, Kuzin, Granpaw, Friend, Mister, Old, Young, Deacon, Reverend, Pastor or Neighbor. Nobody is named simply Mary or Joe. It’s Kuzin Mary or Neighbor Joe.

When pulling an index search, be wary of street names like Main, Washington or Center. These may well be mail drop addresses. Real street addresses in Appalachia carry names like Bug Hollow Road, Chicken Gizzard Lane, Gumlick Street or Swamp Muck Trail.

The astute investigator will also be cognizant of some rather unique relationships in this area of the country. When investigating an auto accident, the investigator may encounter two passengers of opposite sex who carry the same last name. They might be brother and sister; they might be husband and wife; they might be father and daughter; they might be mother and son; they might be more than one of the above. Note: This same rulealso holds true in Arkansas, Mississippi and Alabama.

NORTHERN WISCONSIN, MINNESOTA, NORTH and SOUTH DAKOTA

Note the pronunciation of the state names are as follows: 

Wisconsin is WisCAHNsin; Minnesota is MinnehZOtah; North Dakota is Nor DahKOda and South Dakota is Sow DahKOda.

People in this area of the country usually carry last names that end in “sen”(i.e. Jorgensen, Larsen, Nielsen.)Men have one of just a few first names:  Lars, Ole, Thor, Knute, Hjalmer, Bjorn, Kveld or Sven. Women are named Helga, Olga, Anna, Margaret, Hildegard, Gertrude or Greta.

The most commonly used word in day-to-day English is Ruff da. (i.e. “I cuhdden stop and ruff da I hit ‘em.”), followed by Lutefisk. (i.e. “Lutefisk?  For dinner again?”) There is no such word as “yes”; instead an affirmative response in this area of the USA is “yah shoor, you betcha.”

The letter “V” does not exist. Substitute an “F” as in “He liffed down dah street.”

TEXAS

No one in this area is allowed, we think by law, to have only one name. We think it goes something like this:  “All citizens living within the great state of Texas WILL carry a first name ending in a ‘Y’ and followed by at least one more name. Failure to name children according to this rule will result in severe penalties and fines. “ (Examples:  Bobby Ray, Billy Bob, Freddy Joe). It is also acceptable to double this pattern, extending to four names (examples:  Jimmy John Billy Bob, Donny Joe Tommy Fred). It is also acceptable to be called solely by initials, however the first one is always a “J” (examples, J. R., J. B., J. D., etc.). There is one major exception to this rule. It is the absolute law, punishable by death that all families are required to adhere to. “At least one male in every single family MUST be named ‘Bubba’. “ There are absolutely no exceptions to this law. “ Note, this is the ONLY instance that a single name is ever given to a male child. He will never be Bubba Joe or Bubba Samjust BUBBA. Families without a son named Bubba do notexist because they have been exterminated by the Texas Rangers.

Women, too, carry at least two names if they are true Texans. In the majority of cases, “Sue” will be either the first or the middle name. (Examples Sue Ann, Debbie Sue, Sue Alice or Sue Ellen). Note, women are never named Bubba. The only exception to this rule are grandmothers in Yiddish speaking households in the Dallas suburbs.

Nicknames are very common in this area of the nation. There are five particular endearments that are used; honey pie, sweetheart, pumpkin, darlin’ and sugar dumplin’.

Ah - Either I or eye. Ah have somethin’ in mah ah.

Aigs - Chickens lay yum.

AintYour mother or father’s sister.

AirDo somethin’ wrong.

Ah made an air and smacked into him.

Awduhas in Law and awduh.

Ball - To heat water.

BardA  - temporary loan. He bard mah car.

BleeveAh bleeve it was his fault.

BubThe light bub done burned out.

Bumminham - large city in Alabama.

Caint - Cannot.

CheerAh was tired so I set down in a cheer.

Cyst - To render aid or assistance.

Dawg - your brother’s wife or a four legged hound.

Doc - not light.

Etlanna - large city in Jawjuh.

Farto burn. - Campfar.

Fixin’ to - to prepare for.

Griyuts - served with aigs.

Gulla - female.

Heepaa - large amount.

Hern - feminine possessive.

Hisn - Masculine possessive.

Jew - Do you...

Lahf - Lahf is for the livin’.

Laht - opposite of dark.

Likker - booze.

Madge - a state of wedlock.

Moanin’ - Start of the day. Good moanin’.

Munts - twelve of ‘em in a year.

Nawthun - opposite of Suhthun.

Ovair - in that direction.

Peyen - An ink pencil.

Ratcheer - right here.

Sawt - goes with pepper.

Shalot - large city in Nawth Caylina.

Show - It show is a nice day.

Stow - as in grocery stow.

Tahm - Look at the clock and see what tahm it is.

Tara -  car can have a flat one.

Uhmurkathe -  “A” in USA.

Whirr - where.

Wretchedas -  in Gere, Dreyfuss or Burton.

UTAH

The quintessential Utah name often has a Frenchs ounding prefix such as Le, La, Ne of Va. Other names combine the names of the parents; Veradeane, Glen Dora. Some will feminize the fathers name; Vonda for Vaughan or Danetta for Daniel. Oh jeez ... this is REAL information. What’s it doing in this article?

CALIFORNIA

All men under the age of 25 are named “Dude. “There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule. Woman under 25 have the first name of “Hey”and a middle name of “Babe. “Other very common names for ladies are Buffy, Muffy, Mitzi and Wanna have some fun.

Names change with the California geography. For instance, in the Silicon Valley area, men carry first names such as Derwin or Eggbert. In the central Los Angeles area, anyone driving a Lexus or a Mercedes with unlocked doors is called “GetoutofdiscarrightnowandjesmaybeIwon’tblowyerheadoffayershoulders.” In Santa Ana, the name Maria is either the first or middle name of every female human being and Jose, Jesus or Juan is either the first or middle name of every male human being. Moving over to the Westminster or Garden Grove area, we find that Nguyen is either the first, middle or last name (and sometimes all three) of every single human being, regardless of gender. In a Vietnamese restaurant, the host would never dare to stand up and say “Table for Nguyen” because he’d be promptly trampled by all those waiting.

Finally, we come to Hebonics. This is a language spoken, generally by blue haired ladies over 50 years old, at mah jong games throughout the land. Because it is such a unique style and dialect, we include it herewith.

Rules include the following:

Consonants at the ends of words are hardened. Thus, “hand” becomes “handt. “

The letter “W” is always pronounced as if it is a “V. “Thus, walking becomes valking.

“R” sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that isvirtually impossible to spell in English. Examples:  “Let’s go alhrready.” “Hrright now?”

“Th” is pronounced as a “d” or a “t,” (for instance, “DeDodgers shoulda never vent to L. A. “Or, “Dere’s a mot in desvetters!”

Samples of idiomatic characteristics: 

Questions are always answered with another question. For instance: 

Question:  How do you feel?

Hebonics response:  “How should I feel?”

The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning. Example:  “She dances beautifully, that girl.”

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding “shm” to the frontis used for emphasis. Thus, mountains becomes shmountains. Th efirst letter of the original word is often dropped ... thus, turtle becomes schmurtle.

Sample usage comparisons

Standard English Hebonics

He walks slow. Like he’s in deep mud, he valks.

Sorry, I do not know the time Vat do I look like, a clock? 

I hope things turn out for the best You should BE so lucky.

Anything can happen. It is never so bad, it can’t get verse.

You’re sexy. (unknown concept).

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